TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
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