Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
stayed up to watch the sunrise..saw an albino taking shots on the quad..it's like there's a whole new world of people out there just waiting to meet us
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
