im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
Randomize
