Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
home. puking in laundry basket.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
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