there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Randomize
