Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
Randomize
