i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
I'm pretty sure that waking up butt ass naked with a bottle of 151 and a note that said "I didn't want to wake you up, but thanks" proves I had a good time....god bless America
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
Randomize
