Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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