I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
Randomize
