I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
Randomize
