It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
Randomize
