I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
Randomize
