I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
wow, so sex, not that great its like masturbating with a warm towelette, like the kind you get at a japanese restaurant
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how concerned should I be
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
Randomize
