you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
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