And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
Randomize