Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
we just ha sex. he lasted two minutes. i told him to leave because i had class
isnt today saturday?
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
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