the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
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