Define "chronic" masturbator.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
And yes, in case u were wondering a 25 year old high school agriculture teacher did just hit on me At Walmart bc of my pinata
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Randomize