i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
Just calculated that for my last final tomorrow I need 120% to improve my grade and 53% to keep it..buying 30 packs now, go get dressed
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize
