I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
I wish there were college classes that were useful to your daily life, like how to pack a proper bowl in pitch black darkness.
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize