I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
OMFG BINX FROM HOCUS POCUS IS MCGEE IN NCIS!!!!!!!! most. epic. realization. ever.
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
I was full on naked standing in his room and I just said "this isn't me" and left.
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
Randomize
