i puked in the mini-firdge
we don't have a mini-fridge?
bought one. it ws too cheap to pass up. xcept now there's puke in it,,, but the freezer's fine so i feel pretty good about that
so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
dude last night I threw my weed into my back yard. there is now a foot of snow. after an hour I found my weed. if I put that effort into school, i'd have a 4.0.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
I've come to the conclusion, I should prob have at least 20 hr supervision. I would say 24, but I'm guaranteed to pass out for at least 4 hrs a day
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
Randomize
