I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
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