I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
all the douches that like ed hardy are the same douches that were obsessed with lisa frank
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
Randomize
