he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
you inspire me to be a worse person
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
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