I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
It really wasent that hard. The male one had a M and the woman one had a W. I just couldent comprehend that at the time.
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
can you come here so we can have really loud sex? the girl upstairs walks so loud i want her to know how it feels
of course
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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