I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
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