They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
Randomize
