I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
Randomize
