I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
Randomize
