i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
You made out with two different species that night
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
Randomize