I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
due to concerns over safety, the theme of the 'naked fondue party' has now been changed to the 'naked fondue party with optional apron' please b.y.o.apron. extra prizes for most creative apron.
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
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