Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
We saw some woman wearing leather pants. It was weird. We have decided to follow her on her travels to see where people go in leather pants in Michigan.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
He broke through his window then signed his name on the biggest peice of glass from it. I think they framed it and named it 'best party ever'
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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