you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
I just want every freshman guy to know about Grindr just so I can have more options
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
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