You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
i've hooked up with him and three of his roommates and not a single one of them knows about it..think its safe to say i found the silver lining in a boys inability to communicate
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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