I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
i am fully taking advantage of taking advantage of him
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
I love wearing low cut shirts cuz then when class gets boring, I can look down and admire my breasts.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Randomize
