is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
Drinking a pint every 8 mins right now. Power hour aint shit.
Good luck
Trying doe a second hour and I.cant open my eyes
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
Randomize
