nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
Randomize
