Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
sleazy september. first one with mono loses.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
Randomize
