I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
I wouldn't necessarily call it an addiction, more of a passion. I'm habitually passionate.
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
Randomize
