gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Randomize
