She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
