Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
Randomize
