I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.
okay im going to go eat, shower and find underwear... call if you want.... but ill be listenig to glee VERY loudly.
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
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