So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
Soo both my 8 year old sister and fuck buddy are named Sarah..
this can't be going anywhere good
nooope. guess which one i texted last nite to come over so i could "punish her pussy"? =\
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
Randomize
