Can a clitoris grow tomatoes? Its symbolic and rhetorical.
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
also. got fucked to usher last night. dunno if thats a new high or a new low
Was it at least a good usher song?
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
Randomize
