ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
at the end of the day, college isnt gonna be for everyone... and some of us are just going to have to learn how to breathe underwater while sucking cock.
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
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