Ambien. No doubt about it.
So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
