I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
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