My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
I feel like I just walked the hall of shame thru the marriott. Everyone stared.
I think it was the shoes and limping. Not the sex. I could b wrong.
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
Randomize
