sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
Randomize
