I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
Never underestimate the power of titties
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
