I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
sitting in the kitchen naked and eating stirfry, random dude left my room saying thanks and gave me a bottle of wine. explain...
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
A bitchslap is in order.
Randomize
