so heres a good story. about 6 hrs ago i took a bath with bruce blasting. and 6 hrs later i woke up still in my bathtub but in cold water
a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
I am 90% sure the kid in front of me in class is picking his face spots, smelling it, and then eating it. That is a LOT of % sure for something like that.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
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