so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
she's 6'2. you bet your ass i slept with her.
Randomize
