It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
