I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
.As long as you're some how patriotic with your sexual escapades, I can support it.
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Randomize
